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Top 10 Reasons Not to Kill Your Husband

on September 18, 2012

Sometimes, your spouse can drive you up the wall. In fact, if your husband is like mine, you’re parked up by the molding at least twice a day. In brutal moments of pscyhotic insanity, you might even try to find ways to convince him to tie blocks to his feet and jump in the river. DON’T DO IT! No matter how good an idea it might seem when you are collapsing in hysterical, stressed out fits, murdering your husband is never a good idea. In fact, here are ten reasons it is such a rotten plan.

10. The insurance company won’t pay up if you kill him, so you’ll wind up having to work two jobs to pay the rent.

9. If you think he never helps with the housework now, wait until he’s buried. The odds are good he’ll never fold laundry at that point.

8. The kids may drive you bonkers now, but imagine how much crazier you will go without their dad to wind them up – allegedly burning all energy – right before bedtime.

7. Orange neon jumpsuits make your complexion look nasty. There’s no way around that.

6. And if you think your husband hogs the hot water now, wait until you have to shower with ten or fifteen other prisoners at the same time.

5. Lawyer fees are even more expensive than golf and boating charges. That’s why the lawyers like to play golf and go boating.

4. If you try and fail and manage to reconcile, and then a one-armed man comes after your husband, the cops will most likely blame you, leaving you to scream, “It was not me! It was the one-armed man!” They’ll think you’ve just watched too many movies and ignore your alibi.

3. Not to mention the fact that generally, murder attempts make it less likely for you to reconcile your differences. Counseling is probably less hassle.

2. Then there is all that stress about coming up with an alibi. Although as a wife, you feel like you are always doing two – or ten – things at once, odds are good that you can’t really commit murder AND get your hair done at the same time.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON NOT TO KILL YOUR HUSBAND:

1. C’mon, you know you love him. Sure, he can be an annoying pest at times, but you married him for a reason. You probably get under his skin just as often. Work it out and save yourself the stress of trying to plan a funeral from jail.
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